Thursday, October 04, 2012


I am starting this post off by claiming that I am just sitting down to write.  You will get to experience reading the rough draft.
The rough.   The raw.   The real.

I am not going back to read through and adjust my thoughts, grammar,  style, etc.  
I felt the need to JUST WRITE.

So here it goes....

If you were to come upon my home, you would not be greeted with a glowing candle, freshly clean floors, or cleared countertops, or even clean kids.   My home is and has been in dissaray for quite sometime.  And, as you can see I have not been in this corner of my life (this blog) for quite sometime as well. 

My home.  My blog.  My kids. My husband. My God.

And, yet none of them have neglected me.  They have only just waited.   Waited for me.

How blessed I am to have these stable supporters in my life.

I have been going through some rough patches in my journey of life.  I ponder back over the last five years and realize that this journey has been a roller coaster of ups and downs....with mostly some really low valleys and big hills to climb.

But, I press on.

I press on because God is with me.  He holds onto my hand in the darkness of the valley  and pulls me up out those valleys and pushes me upward through the difficult climb.  

To be honest, it really is a disaster.  It looks like it could be on one of those episodes of  "The Hoarder"....and it is not really that I have a sickness like that of those people on there where they just can't get rid of stuff.   It is just that I have been physically ill, that I have just not physically been able to handle my home of 4 girls, a dog, and a patient husband.   I go from one project to the next without finishing it, in hopes of just finding some sort of organization to the maddness.   Laundry is piled. books scattered, stuff everywhere...  I believe it is so overwhelming that I just don't know where to begin sometimes.  But, I have been taking little steps to rectify the situation.  Now, that I am on my road to recovery, I feel like a light has been shed on my home and I am now seeing just how bad it really is.... I was truly in a dark cloud for sometime....just trying to manage on moment at a time.  I ignored it...didn't want to really "see" it.... but, now I am just taking a big breath and reminding myself.... little steps.  little steps.  My hope is in the Lord.  little steps. little steps.  He is my strength when I am weak.  little steps. little steps.   I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength.  little steps. little steps.

I have been trying to do my best with circumstances.  But, honestly, I get down on myself for not FEELING myself enough to truly take care of them. I have managed to get out some meal plans on some weeks, I have mangaged to sweep the floor here and there for them.  But, it has been a struggle on so many levels to truly be a mother of purpose for them.    I am so tired most of the time that reading a book to them seems like a HUGE task.  I miss my family.   I miss my girls..... taking them to the park.  Reading with them.  Playing with them.  Dreaming with them. Singing with them.
I miss my husband. I miss our dates and snuggle times.   I miss going into depths conversations about something new we have read.  I miss the intimacy of just "being" together.   Life has been a fog.  I just want clarity in our lives.

I thought it was time for me to put some thoughts down on "paper" and write.  Share a bit of my soul. I have missed writing here.  It has usually been an outlet for me to blog.  But, this time in my life it has been difficult to do much of anything.  I hope to write more often.  I just can't guarantee it.  Life has taken a different direction.  A good twist and turn in the road set before me.

My perspective has changed.  The signs on the road have changed.  My look towards the horizon is more of hope and joy.  So, I am unsure of the direction of this blog....except that it has always just waited patiently here for me to write when I can.   And, of that I am thankful.   Thankful that when God gives me the energy to write...... I CAN write.

As some of you know.  I have been struggling a long time with being ill.  I have Crohn's Disease and I am sure lots of other ailments.  This past year, I started getting worse.   I was extremely fatigued, tingling hands and feet, struggling with depression,  a mind of mush, in a fog,  aching body, headaches,  stomach issues, etc.  I was a mess. It has been so hard to just manage day to day.  And, kept getting worse.   But, God in his gentle voice kept pusing me through those dark times and I am just now feeling like I have reached the bottom of a dark pit and now just seeing the light way up there on the top of that mountain I am about to climb.
I went to a Doctor (the third doctor)  and am starting to see some light shedding forth.   I am excited about these changes to a healthier me --- which means a healthier home, life, and family.   I am just in the beginning stages of this healing process.
Honestly?   I am scared a bit.   I am stepping out of this ironically comfortable routine of deadness ...and starting to see life.  To have Life, be healthy, strong again encourages me.    I am in expectation of change.
God is so good.

I am finding that HE longs for more of me.   And, I long for MORE of HIM.    I so long for PEACE in my life and home.

It has been so overwhelming for such a long time, that I am desperate to grab a hold of this PEACE.  SANCTUARY.

I am craving for JOY.   ....... so now I am on a journey of  finding JOY.  

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