Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I have been struggling inside for sometime now about my attitude and my actions as a mother. As of late, I have been reflecting on myself as a mom and my relationship to my daughters.
My first thought was "Ugh" --- I have been one of "those" stressed, irritable, busy moms.
This really made me sad inside. Almost depressed.
I miss my girls. I am MISSING my girls. I have MISSED my girls.... growing, developing. In fact, I have fallen short in GENTLY guiding, mentoring, molding, teaching my girls "in the way they should go."
I recognize my faults -- and instead of dwelling on my inadequcies, I am looking to God for some guidance. And, then I realize something. Actually, I already knew this...but, sometimes knowing something doesn't always mean it clicks -- sometime the "click or aha moment" comes into our minds later.
I realized that my mothering is about relationships.
My relationship to God doesn't grow or nurture unless I am putting forth effort to KNOW Him. And, I can't KNOW Him unless I spend time with Him.
So, I relate to my daughters. I can't nurture or grow them unless I am spending time with them...KNOWing them.
Here is a typical scenario: After school, 3pm.
( I don't know about you, but I think there is a spray put into the air around that time that say:s "TIRED- GROUCH, you need a nap" ... I get the worn out sleep bug).
Ideally: They should be having a nutritious snack prepared by mommy with love and then working on getting their homework done right away, right? This is how it is in your house too, right? LOL
Yes, I know. I know. There are some days like that. I relish in those days. Those are nice days. But, most of the time, we don't have those nice days.
Reality: They come home after school and scrounge in the pantry and fridge for a snack - most times it is healthy. Chips, Hummus, maybe some carrots. Oranges. And, they leave the mess all over the counter. I get irritated. And, then they want to play outside (I am all for that) ..or most of time watch the one eyed brain sucker! Their shoes are strewn all over the floor along with backpacks, random toys, stinky socks, papers, dog hair... yeah, the dog gets into the mess too.
They are whining at each other. Sometimes they pull out the cat claws with one another. I think they might be drinking the same air as I am.
I yell at them (yes, probably yell - I am irritable) to get their homework out. They don't understand it, they need help, too tired... all those whiny excuses. Truly, I sympathize with them. Homework is draining. Why we have homework? (That is another topic).
Well, my response:
1. I am going to take a nap.
2. "Sorry, I have to make dinner. Figure it out. Ask your sister" or " Just a minute, I am busy cleaning or doing this or doing that. I have to leave in 5 minutes to go to a meeting".
Frustrated child. Irritated, busy, worn out Mom.
I don't remember having a conversation today about how school was for you dear child. I don't remember stopping to listen to that problem you so desperatley wanted to tell me about. I don't remember taking a break from underneath the laundry pile to play a game of Barbie "Go Bling".
I don't remember taking more time to sit and read with you or listen to you read to me. I don't remember helping you brush you teeth, clipping your overgrown toenails today. I don't remember playing the piano and singing with you dancing and singing along with me. I don't remember the walk around the block holding your hand and talking about anything on your mind. I don't remember doing the craft with you that you have asked me over and over and over again to do. I don't remember getting out the playdoh and creating with you. I don't remember taking more time to tuck you in at night (instead of the quick tuck, kiss, hug, quickest prayer on earth)--and sing you a lullaby.
I am tired and done with the "I don't remember..." moments of my days with you child.
I want to remember. I want to do these things. I want to make moments, memories with you.
When someone asks you, "Who is your Mother?"
I want you to honestly say, "Patient Teacher, Fun friend, Loving, Listener, Gentle, Crazy Fun... plays with me, sings with me, teaches me, guides me, loves me"
Lord, how I need your strength.