Reclined on the couch - it is after midnight. Another late night for me...it seems I can't sleep well for the past several months. The sound of a whole house fan steadily flows of cool air - and the resonating sound of "quietness" (rare that I experience this pleasure) looms in the darkness. Tis' the time I have to be alone in my thoughts and prayers.
I have a lot swirling in my mind. Clutter, laundry, lists, toys, more laundry, papers, clutter, more laundry is piling up in almost every room of this house. I feel like I am being swallowed. The walls are getting more and more closer together and at times it is claustrophobic for me. Heaviness on my chest. The air is thin and hard to breathe.
I don't like feeling this way. But, I struggle with this on a constant basis: All the things have to be done, but in the rush and eagerness to do, I can easily miss the more important things: like reading with my children, dancing with the girls, playing catch with Mallie (our sweet BIG puppy), ride bikes with Lydia, color with Rosi, building blocks with Audria, play music with Sophia, make play dough, teach them to sew, bake, watch the stars late at night with my hubby while holding his hand, take walks to the park, read a book..
I desire to slow down and savor the moments I have with my family. However, when I am surrounded by so much clutter and chaos in my home - it stresses me out. I feel like I am unable to do any of those desired things with my family because, the home does not allow me too. Does that make sense?
My home is so messy and unorganized that I need to get it under control first before being able to do those things. I can't really bake cookies when my children are out of clothes and the dishes are covering the countertops.
I don't expect perfection. I just need a little room to breathe.... to be able to create.... to play.
So, why don't I just do it? Just get er' done? Well, it is not simply said and done. I am a mom. And a mom to little ones at that. And, to be honest I am not very good at being well organized or proficient at a task. I get distracted. Sometimes too tired and weary. Sometimes too overwhelmed to even know where to begin.
I walk in circles.
Does that ever happen to you? I start at one point and then walk to the next point only to discover that little hands or my own wandering mind has made a mess behind me.
I have to fight my nature not embrace the chaos of the home, but to remember that my little girls won't stay little very long - it helps me keep it in perspective. I want to be a mom of legacy for my girls.
While it is important to have my house in order, I can’t let the desire of how clean my house is at the moment define me or measure my success as a mom. I am reminded again and again that I am so much more than the appearance of my house!
I am not sure where I am really going with this post -- except to just lay out the true frustrations and inner struggles as a momma. I know I am not the only one who experiences this, right? But, sometimes as Momma's we just need to be honest with each other and fight the persona of "Super Moms" -- it is times such as these, that I am reminded that I can't do this on my own.
I need help.
Where does my help come from?
I am sure you most of you know the answer to this question. Yes, my help comes from the Lord. It is at times when I am at my lowest, my frustrations ring deep, my soul is troubled - that I realize that my hope and trust are not in the Lord.
I have failed to walk in the path of the Light - but, rather I walk in my own strength and my OWN ways -- where darkness creeps in around me.
I need to continually seek HIM daily - throughout my day - to carry me through these rough spots.
Building that relationship with HIM. To be honest, I think that the times that I am "depressed" or downcast or overwhelmed - is a reality check that for me I am not putting my trust in the Lord for the simple and the big tasks laid at feet each day. I am rather relying in my own strength.
This may be my own personal struggle - I don't know. But, I know that I need to " be still.... to quiet my heart ... and to rest assured in HIS LOVE, HIS MERCIES, HIS JOY"
For it is HE that sustains me. HE that fulfills me. He that nourishes my hungry and thirsty and weary soul.
Lover of my soul - refine me, renew me, draw me close to you.